Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconpelicanh: More from Pelicanh


Featured in Collections

Literature by onceuponatime08

Write Stuff by Boudicah


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
August 24, 2012
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
11,697
Favourites
22 (who?)
Comments
177
×
My Hang glider pilot friends called me "Pelican" and it has been my "handle" for many years but my girlfriend (of almost 4 years now) calls me "Squid". I call her "Chicken". So, it seems only reasonable that our offspring should be named "Squicken". He is due September 26th or whenever he chooses to come out and play. On his birth certificate, he will be "Cameron Michael" but he's gonna be stuck with Squicken...so be it.

Some of the joys of pregnancy are all the stupid classes one feels compelled to attend. Of course, it isn't fair in the least to refer to these wonderfully instructional forums as "stupid" because there  truly is a copious amount of information disseminated during the eons of hours you sit through. Videos, lectures, illustrated instructions, and hands on practice doing all sorts of things one rarely finds palatable. Well, by "one", I mean my girlfriend and me.
What astounds me is how excited everyone in our classes is...well...everyone except the two of us. What I want to do is ask all these wide eyed expectant Moms and Dads if they realize the monumental chore of having a PERSON enter their lives. I want to shake them and say,"This isn't just a baby to play with. It's a HUMAN BEING.!" But, first of all, who am I to say such a thing AND they probably wouldn't hear it anyway.

My girlfriend and I are a good pair because we seem to have a missing gene. We are both missing the gene that allows you to be excited about learning what baby poo looks like and how radically it changes in the first week or so. We're missing the gene that makes you smile when there's a video of a fresh-from-the-exit bloody baby laid on a mother's chest.
I turned away from the movie of gore while my girlfriend looked at me and said,"Hey - I'm telling the Doc to clean that thing up before he hands it to me!" YEP - we're missing a couple of key genes.

I don't need to know how a baby's head crushes as it passes through what they affectionately call "the birth canal" and which I refer to as the "extruder" because, if I give it a more mechanical name, I'm distanced from the carnage a bit. I don't need to see photos of a "healthy" placenta, although I do find the word rolls off the tongue nicely. I DO NOT want to have discussions about what to do with the placenta nor do I want to hear about all the things other people do with their placentas (placentae?). Furthermore, we have to make decisions about what to do with the umbilical cord blood. My gene for being interested in a long discussion about this matter is missing. Matter of fact "umbilical" is a fine word and "cord" also has a charming assortment of vowels and consonants but when combined, they make me wince. I don't care to hear those two words together even when referring to an astronaut's attachment to the International Space Station.

I keep telling myself I will be grateful for all this info when Cameron Michael becomes more than a stomach lump. I keep trying to convince myself that, in the near future, I'll be happy to know it is imperative to stick, not just the nipple, but the entire areola into the baby's mouth when breast feeding. I continue attempting to persuade myself that terms like "mucus plug" and "bloody show" are normal in the vocabulary of soon to be parents. BUT - I'm missing a gene. I don't WANT those terms stuck in my head any more than "nose bleed", "diarrhea" or "hemorrhoid".

To add insult to our injury, the instructor in "Preparation for Baby Delivery" class stopped part way through one of her morbid tales of Doulah-dom and asked us to form circles of 6. In these circles we were to take turns telling the other parents-to-be what we lovingly wanted to pass on to our progeny. 
My lack of a particular gene and perhaps the activation of some other less desirable genes kicked in and I found myself in,"This ain't NO, this is HELL NO" territory. Now, this group of folks are probably all nice people but I already have friends...lots of good friends. I don't know these people, I don't want to know these people, and I certainly don't want to "share" with them or have them "share" with me. The reason I attend these classes is for information not therapy or group hugs.
But, rather than be a total asshat, I sucked it up and tried to act like I cared when Julie said she wanted to teach her little girl to cook, and Len said he wanted to toss a football with his duckling (even though he was a skinny Asian dude). When it came my turn, I just said,"No thanks...I'm shy" and left it at that. It was the best I could do given my genetic coding.
All eyes trained on my girlfriend. Keep in mind, this is the girl who when asked what she did for a living, once replied,"I have a monkey cleaning business!"
She tells people I am a photographer but also own a Porta Pottie business. Her penchant for f**king with people is legendary.
I know her intimately, both literally and figuratively, so I was wondering what, given HER similar genetic coding, would come out of her mouth.
"I want to dress our little boy in girls clothes so he doesn't grow up with gender discriminating values", she delivered. It was pure and utter and simple genius. She didn't elaborate, explain, or even continue. She just smiled and surveyed all the less than comfortable faces.
Our clan of 6, sat and stared for a moment, then heads nodded politely and a couple parents agreed that might be one way to do things. 
I was SO PROUD of my girlfriend. I wanted to dance around the room and have a beer but the joy was all in our twisted genetically aberrant brains. Her brilliant warping of this uncomfortable situation into a knotted bizarre joke was hysterical to me. I nodded my head and smiled approvingly at what she had "shared" while trying to contain myself.

Only the two of us knew how funny it was and we weren't gonna "share"... at least not with these folks.
  • Listening to: the hum of the G5
  • Drinking: Heineken
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlovely-laura-jahnke:
Lovely-Laura-Jahnke Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
Congrats, the photos are great and I loved the story!
Reply
:icontheoracleofdreams:
theoracleofdreams Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012
I guess we share the same missing gene! At this baptismal thingy for my cousin's child, I was asked what I would do as a Godparent. With that, I replied "To not let this child be upheld by the strict morality laws that are a problem in America." If they wanted my honest opinion, well hell they got it.

Its not as bad ass as your girlfriends but I felt it be worth mentioning!

Much love on the new baby!

Melinda
Reply
:iconyannickbonnet:
YannickBonnet Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
I've just enjoyed every word of your story, laughing quietly until my lovely girlfriend went to the bathroom and then laughed hysterically.
Congratulations!! Welcome Squicken!!
Isn't it time to drink a Heineken? Sounds like it anyway
Ok , I'm off to my sister's wedding ( another gene I'm missing) and I'll have a few drinks for you and for my sister of course
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Professional Photographer
:) thanks Yannick.
And that story continues with now having the baby and all the goofy things we are doing.
Reply
:iconyannickbonnet:
YannickBonnet Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012
Really can't wait to read more :)
Reply
:iconambelleina:
Ambelleina Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
love this and the new pic is precious! grats, daddy! :aww:
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Professional Photographer
THANKS!!!!!
Reply
:iconopticverve:
opticverve Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
I love that the two of you are keeping your genetic make up alive! Congratulations to all three!
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Professional Photographer
lol...yea - so far Squicken has peed on two doctors and a nurse! ha
Reply
:iconnichodem:
Nichodem Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012
You're not the only one who is missing some genes. I am sure that these genes you are missing are not important. You have the "open-minded" gene, the "thinking" gene and the "creative" gene and I'm happy that you have passed these best genes (in my humble opinion) on your son. Congratulations! The world needs you!
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Professional Photographer
thanks....we hope he is a good kid
Reply
:iconenigmaticworld:
enigmaticworld Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Professional Artisan Crafter
I had a pretty good laugh reading this ;D I think I and my girl are missing a gene (or two) in this matter too... thank god for birth control pills...
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Professional Photographer
lol. we're even worse now that he's here. I'm sure there'll be lots of photos of him. thanks!
Reply
:iconalembic-lynx:
Alembic-Lynx Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012  Professional Photographer
Congratulations to you all Michael , i hope you are all well and in good health happy, peaceful and prosperous
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Professional Photographer
thanks dude!
Reply
:iconalembic-lynx:
Alembic-Lynx Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Professional Photographer
n/p daddio :highfive:
Reply
:iconawwitsreni:
AwwItsReni Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012  Hobbyist
I just wanted to let you know he is absolutely adorable! Congratulations!
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Professional Photographer
thank you. we think he's cute!
Reply
:iconawwitsreni:
AwwItsReni Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist
Well I would hope so! :)

Congrats again! Remember his cuteness when he isn't letting you sleep!
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Professional Photographer
true dat!
Reply
:iconbodyworkx:
bodyworkx Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2012  Professional Photographer
It was a brilliant idea from both of you to pass on your genes to the next generation...
We're gonna need people like Squicken very much!
Congratiulations to you and all your loved ones!
Grtz Kees
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Professional Photographer
thanks so much!
Reply
:iconawwitsreni:
AwwItsReni Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist
For the record, your girlfriend is amazing. If I had taken a birthing class with my son it would have been the answer I WISH I had chosen. Congrats!
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Professional Photographer
thanks. LOL....yea - she's great.
Reply
:iconawwitsreni:
AwwItsReni Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist
She sounds like it. And needless to say, she is quite possibly my new hero. :)
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2012  Professional Photographer
I wish I could post more of her on here. I have some beautiful nudes of her. Particularly one I shot underwater!
thanks so much
Reply
:iconawwitsreni:
AwwItsReni Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012  Hobbyist
I've followed you for quite a while on and off, for some reason I never thought to "watch" you until now. I will say that I absolutely adore the shots you post, I take issue with some peoples perspectives on "artistic nude" but I have always found that your photos are breath taking to say the least. I would only hope that one day I have half the eye you do for photographs.
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012  Professional Photographer
awwww...thanks Reni. Does that mean your Master will have me photograph you!!?? ;)
Enjoy. And best of luck with your little one too. My gf and I are about a week away from a little boy! YAY She's due September 26th.
Reply
:iconawwitsreni:
AwwItsReni Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012  Hobbyist
Aww, thank you! I am sure you will both be amazing parents with an ingenious sense of humor! I am also equally positive there will be many occasions where your photography skills will come in handy.

As for the picture taking, I am afraid I am no where near confident enough to take nude photos! Though I am sure Sir would love them. Maybe sometime in the future though, if I do decide to delve into the interesting side of things you will be the first one I contact!
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012  Professional Photographer
well...confidence is no required. If he'd like that, then it would be good for you (and him) to shoot some. No one has to see them except you two.
BUT...I ALWAYS put my model's comfort first and for sure, that of her Sir!
Some day maybe!
:hug:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconaurora0x0:
aurora0x0 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Grats dude! Happy parenting! (again)
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Professional Photographer
lol...thanks!!
Reply
:iconrocky-o:
Rocky-O Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
HAHAH wow I went to a class with my husband at the hospital we were going to deliver at; they didn't force us to do that shiz! D:

Heyyyy and CONGRATULATIONS, man! That's really exciting!!!!! ; w ; I can't wait to see your Squicken! :heart: --assuming you'd perhaps post pictures,,,?


PS: I apologize for not being able to get back to either you or Don Sir about that shoot I was hoping we'd have at your place. I ended up getting too far along to be comfortable in my pregnancy, and before you know it, it was time for baby to come into this world. Ohh well (about the shoot)!! :/

Thanks though!!!!!!
Reply
:iconmyumbrae:
MyUmbrae Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012
Congratulations, dear!

Best of luck to you, your Chicken and Squicken. :D :heart:




I find your perspective on so many topics to be completely refreshing and amusing. :heart:
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Professional Photographer
thanks !!!
:hug:
Reply
:iconsparrowsflame:
SparrowsFlame Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
By the way, is this your first child? (I'm guess so with all the terminology, but still wanna ask.) ;)
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Professional Photographer
I have a daughter who is 27!! lol
But the change in all the technology is amazing!!
thanks so much
Reply
:iconsparrowsflame:
SparrowsFlame Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!

It is amazing to see what things are around now. My daughter is 13 and I had her quite young. So now when my friends are having kids, it boggles my mind all the items and gadgets they buy. :lol:
Reply
:iconsparrowsflame:
SparrowsFlame Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!! :dance:

Second, since you disable your comments, let me just sum it up by saying I've really enjoyed everything you've been posting. :nod:

:hug: Hope things are going well for you!
Reply
:icononceuponatime08:
onceuponatime08 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Professional Photographer
My boyfriend reminds me of this everyday we talk about kids, that they are human beings and not just a big cat. :)
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Professional Photographer
I've said that very thing. So true
Reply
:iconxtranho:
xtranho Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Brilliant! This made my day, I also do not have that gene.
Reply
:iconlilbittydemon:
lilbittydemon Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012
heeheeee
I love you guys so much!
and, her brain KILLS me...every time. Who else in the world could come up with this kind of stuff?
No one else...that's who!
:heart:
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012  Professional Photographer
LOL...yea - she's a riot. TOnight this stupid douhla told us to slow dance because it would be helpful in between contractions. She said,"Just dance like you did at the prom!"
Kaz to me,"I didn't go to high school!"
Me to Kaz,"I wasn't allowed to dance!"
LOL
we sat and watched and made fun of em all. ha ha
Reply
:iconlilbittydemon:
lilbittydemon Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012
LMFAO
Reply
:iconir0ny:
ir0ny Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012
Congratulations Michael!
Reply
:iconbulloney:
bulloney Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012
You two sound like a friend of mine... She & hubby took their 3-month-old (first child) 'back home' to visit the families and caused a bit of scandal. It seems their transgression was being able to carry a conversation on topics unrelated to the baby. People were shocked that the new parents dared to keep up with life outside the house... :omg:

(Small towns... I'm proud to be from one, but they're not for everyone.)

Anyway, all the best and good luck with the little one :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Professional Photographer
LOL...yep. thanks
Reply
:icongremlich:
Gremlich Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Congratz mate! (check out my grandson on my page - he's 8 mos in the one image)
Reply
:iconpelicanh:
Pelicanh Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Professional Photographer
LOL....awww....Nye is ADORABLE! how cute
congrats!
Reply
Add a Comment: